Tag Archives: writing

Milestone

flesh of the peach

 

The title and epigraph of this novel of mine. Finished. At least for now (the Anne Carson quote is just so fitting. And Anne Carson! Anne Carson forever, of course)

 

I sent Flesh of the Peach off to my agent this morning. More edits are likely on the horizon. But for now, it’s done. Began in 2010. In Queens, New York, in a flat full of bedbugs. Worked on in Manhattan, then in Edinburgh. It is an international book in origin and in content. Now I can rest a little. Just a little, and D and I can work on finding ourselves a place to live and other trivial tasks and adventures.

 

Marking your little white milestones, I think, is a good thing to do when you are traveling without a road.

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Writing accessories

 

Sometimes you like to dream a little of the perfect writing life.

 

Sometimes you feel the need to decorate an imaginary wooden house by the sea and its book-lined study overlooking the long pale morning beach. You have your comfy day bed sprawled with cushions and your windows open to let the gentle salt air in. You create a whole world of useful and frivolous objects that would fit.

 

Sometimes you do this in idle moments when you should be writing (none of these photos are mine, you can find a link to the source by clicking on them) -

 

First the desk, right by the shuttered window:

 

Heavy & Solid Mahogany Antique Desk, Leather Inlaid, 7 Drawer, Dirt Cheap

 

A grand solid thing with room for legs underneath, clutter up the top.

 

In one of the drawers (next to reams of paper and spare pens for chewing on):

 

Business Card Stamp - Custom 2 3/4" Business Card or Etsy Shop Stamp for business cards and shop packaging

 

A pile of pre-stamped cards. Because in this writing life, you meet people who might want to know your details and who don’t care much for tapping things down on their phones. Who might appreciate rounded corners and a mid century aesthetic. Put it right there in their copy of your book and say, hope to be in touch soon.

 

Back to the cabin, back to the desk. On it, well, notebooks. Everyone has their favourite notebooks, but I like them plain and plentiful. A mug of tea and a few big shells. An anglepoise lamp. A tiny aquarium:

 

Marimo Shadowbox Aquarium. Super Hip Underwater Terrarium

 

Your laptop of choice. Mine would be small and sleek, dark green. With none of the keys missing and not at all prone to crashing, like this one I write on now. On the other side of the desk, a friend to watch over you:

 

northern saw whet owl by Aimee Baldwin

 

And downstairs your loved ones are calling you to breakfast. You’ve bashed out five hundred words and it’s only ten o’clock. Later you can go walk on the beach and skip stones. Or stay and watch the rain fall against the gorse in your garden. And more writing, and the murmur of music. And more than objects, this particular controlled, scenic happiness.

 

Though life as it is right now has more happiness than I can just about stand, without cabin, without sea. The only thing is not enough papier mache owls, perhaps.

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At the right hour

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- you’ll catch a sky like this over Embra. A gloaming sky.  A few solitary clouds like this, delicate but moving fast.

 

If you’d like something to read, whatever hour of the day it is with you, I’ve written the next installment in a series of essays on The Female Gaze recapping Supernatural. One essay per episode per season (of which there are currently 8 – 8 essays). They do contain spoilers but I’m trying to dig into aspects (as well as problematic sides) provided in each episode.

 

Here’s a taster of the current essay:

 

You’ve thought it before. People have sung of it: Our lives could be very different to how they are now. Those tiny twists in fate accrued over time and became a part of you. That coin you dropped and didn’t stop to pick up. That spelling mistake on a job application. That face whose glance you chose to return with a smile. That time you pulled the bottle from your lips and made it stay put down.

You might not want things to be any different, but it doesn’t stop you thinking about how it could have been.

READ MORE

 

Aside from these essays, I’m trying to summon the energy to alter an essay on the Aethiopika, though the priority this week seems to be to edit Dear Friends and Gentle Hearts down to a sharp white point. I really want to tackle the long essay – stirred to do so by the kindness and insight of Chris J Rice – but whenever I sit down, it’s the novel I am dragged to. Make it better, make it lighter. Why are you taking so long with what will be a little clawed snow hare of a thing when it’s done?

 

My friend C gave me some advice that kicked me into action. Very simply, it was to number chapters, rather than write ‘chapter one’ etc as I had been doing. Such a small change made the text feel immediately fresher. And highlighted the soft squashy lines (and whole paragraphs) that needed peeling down.  Revelation. My eyes furring up as I struggle a page at a time, into the night.

 

So while I grow tired often and sometimes feel creatively spent, or isolated, I know that there is a community of writers and wise souls. Virgils, yes. But not leading me down to the inferno.  Writing back from their own spaces, waving across the ravines. Thank you, all.

 

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In need of

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We found this in the wood, a white cross embedded in the tree. Close up the pine bark had trails of sap down it. As if a wound, as if a marker testifying: I Offer Aid I Am Myself Pained.

 

There was no sign of any first aid kit. Unless it had already been taken and not replaced.

 

I am struggling in my own wood. That’s what books are. Dante, speaking of the dark wood he finds himself in on the road to the Inferno, is writing of the book he is writing himself into.

 

The worst thing about writing is the silence around it.

 

The worst thing is one’s own internal judgement stuffed up in cotton, so very tired. Like a hiker in an emergency blanket.

 

The worst thing is the wide day outside your writing space, vibrating with the sentences and structures you are trying to pin the wings of.

 

The worst thing is that there is no one else who can do what you do and you you can’t do it, today.

 

The worst thing is seeing the light while your feet hurt and not knowing how many miles it is. How there is no road through the woods there is only the woods.

 

The worst thing is no Virgil. The worst thing is there are a dozen Virgils. The worst thing is you need nothing but yourself and tea and time and your fingers. The worst thing is you are not sure if this is true.

 

The worst thing is always knowing your catchall of worst things.

 

The worst thing is this is the joyful work and you are not Sisyphus or Tantalus but have chosen, keep choosing, will sing on the mountains of your choosing.

 

The worst thing about being a writer is editing and editing is the only thing that will make you a good writer.

 

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Love Letter 6 – ‘Edinburgh, Scotland’

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‘Edinburgh, Scotland’ appeared in ‘I <3 _____: Everywhere is the New New York’. Here it is in full, with pictures from previous posts:

 

To begin with, every city is about the people, of course. But in Edinburgh, the city is more about the interplay of stone, weather and light. The people have coursed through this space in its various forms for at least twelve centuries, but the stone and the weather and the angle of the sun outlast them all.

 

It’s easy to say we don’t have four seasons here, that we lack definites. Summer is cardigan weather most days. Winter, umbrella. Spring is much the same, and Autumn. But we do have two distinct seasons: the season of light and the season of dark.

 

In Winter, we wake to dark at eight, to bluish haze and the egg-yellow glow from the windows across the shared back green of our tenement.

In Summer, morning is at four, striking against the cliffs of Salisbury Crags. Stark outlines, warm tones against a keening pale blue, like a 1930s hand-drawn postcard version of itself. Dusk at eleven.

In Winter the dark comes knocking at four om, and some days it feels never light at all.

This is how we know our year, by the way the light or dark shapes our buildings, our volcanic rock.

 

From the summit of Calton Hill; Arthur's seat, Salisbury crags (the long diagonal cliffs) and at their feet the Scottish Parliament (among other structures)

From the summit of Calton Hill; Arthur’s seat, Salisbury crags (the long diagonal cliffs) and at their feet the Scottish Parliament (among other structures)

 

There’s something mournful about the city. I remember reading the writer AL Kennedy calling it a sad place, saying that she couldn’t live here through all that restrained sadness. I understand, yet here I am.

 

North Bridge towards Princes Street and the Balmoral Hotel

 

It’s cold and the sky lips the hill of Arthur’s Seat. The commuters walk down the blue and red North Bridge from the high-leaning higgledy of the Old Town over to eighteenth century New Town. The Crags and the Seat overlook them, leaning back in their mist. The commuters keep their hands in their pockets, their scarves neatly tucked at their throats.

 

Below, the train station, jimmied Victorian, glass encased, wonders if there will be another jumper from the bridge, remembers the days of steam and of ‘North Britain’. The grey shipwreck of the Scottish Parliament, off by the cliffs, whispers, wheesht. Shhh. Says, now really. We’ve more to show than those days.

 

It’s sometimes easy to get lost in the layers of the cake. How do we live here? It’s true that in Edinburgh, people are polite and reserved. That they won’t fight you so much as shake their head at you, judging. They are conservative in ways that defy the modern notions – socially progressive, politically too, they will purse their lips at someone speaking loudly in a cafe, wryly say, “oh that lot, there they go again.” The goth and punk kids stalk their limits of territory on Cockburn Street and Hunter Square. The arts fall within certain limitations, though artists are always there, pushing quietly back.

 

Festival time, in August, is the carnivalesque, the moment of sanctioned release. Here come the Irish, English, North Americans to tell us jokes and paint themselves silver. Here are the writers with books coming out, and issues to shuffle and spark. Then, when the month goes, most of them go too, and the grey stone re-solidifies, and the sounds muffle til the New Year. Hogmanay. A Viking longboat is dragged down North Bridge on a river of burning torches, then set alight by the unfinished pillars on Calton Hill. The dark is there, pressing tightly round us. History, of another part of the country altogether, really, pressing too. Dark at 3:40, that last first day of the year.

 

fireworks

 

Beyond the feast days, it is a quiet city. Sometimes the breweries tang the air, bagpipes play on the street corners in the centre. Sometimes it’s a fraction of a scent or a reedy song you hear. Passing as you are under a wide dark bridge, up a cobbled narrow wynd, you become liminal, neither in one year or another. Adrift between the walls. The cities is entirely itself. It has grown and fossilised and now all that can change it is the weather, the light. Forces greater than human endeavour.

 

A roundabout of graves, in the centre of the kirkyard's road

 

You could go into a kirkyard to see the gravestones, think: did you all feel the same? How little and how great a space you had to slip yourself within? The green, black stones are silent, it’s one-thirty and there is no sun. A great inevitability. But you’re already here, within the weather, breathing clouds. A narrow space in your own body. A line in the book of history, though your name itself might not be reported.

 

Right now. Here. Edinburgh. A yolk-yellow light beams from your own window, charming a rain-harried passer-by.

 

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Mutations

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“Any form of art can only develop by means of single mutations by individual creators. If only traditional conventions are used an art will die, and the widening of an art form is bound to seem strange at first, and awkward. Any growing thing must go through awkward stages. The creator who is misunderstood because of his breach of convention may say to himself, ‘I seem strange to you, but anyway I am alive.”

 

-      Carson McCullers

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Read your candy cigarettes

Crossing Bruntsfield Links yesterday

 

(Just a picture to show that the darkness is lifting here – the sun was bright over Bruntsfield Links yesterday)

 

This post is really about some lovely news – a short-short story I wrote will be appearing on the back of candy cigarette packets to be given out free at Smokelong‘s table at the AWP conference and bookfair in Boston next week.

 

Of course, I’m not able to make it to AWP – so I have a favour to ask of anyone here who is going. Would you be able to take a picture of my story?  The Smokelong table is H20 (nice and memorable) and there will be lots of other intriguing shorts to read, and of course, the interesting people who work at Smokelong to discuss literary matters with.

 

My email address for photos is: wheresthebread[at]hotmail.com

 

If this plan succeeds, I’d like to feature your photo here after AWP is finished. Thank you!

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Come up swimming

good things

 

For the past week, I’ve been underwater. The week before that, I was mute.

 

Late winter is harsh on the body. I lost my voice, then I got the flu. The cold shakes and the fever dreams and the exhaustion and brain fog. And throughout that last week I could barely read at all.  Where do we go when we have this kind of unwellness, the kind we know we’ll overcome with time? We just sit in our cracked skin, I suppose, and wait for the mind to take a breath and function again.

 

Yesterday I surfaced. I went to the bookshop with D, and edited. Editing that was heartwarming, because it reminded me that yes, I’ve spent all this time and something is being made. I don’t know of how much worth. But I know I’ve improved as a writer doing it. Struggling and kicking and planing and carving and flights of fancy and sweat. Swimming in my preferred element, however ineptly I am compared to others. I’m listening to a playlist on 8tracks as I write this, so maybe that’s making me think of water, fluidity and so on. The gears are turning with outside help and though my skin is still peeling and my eyes a bit bloodshot, there it is. Thought. The bright flash of an inner field. A vista, a possibility.

 

The books I bought (with a Christmas gift card) are, l-r,

The Secret History by Donna Tartt, because everyone says it’s good.

Diaboliad by Mikhail Bulgakov, because of that cover and it’s Bulgakov, who also wrote-

The Master and Margarita. This version doesn’t seem to use American terms like ‘sneaker’ which has prevented me from re-reading one of my favourites – it’s been 10 years since I last read it. I’m scared I won’t be as much in love, but we shall see.

 

It’s good to be back on shore. Now I’m off to climb among the dunes.

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Increments

 

Inch by ivory inch

 

Essay edits (for something exciting to be mentioned later)

 

10 pages a day of editing the work in progress so that it comes into focus like a lens

 

A conversation about Twilight for The Female Gaze

 

A furrowed brow, an eye that won’t stop twitching

 

Sport centre stretches, music stopping up my ears and heavy mind.

 

D passing through rooms, sick with the cold. Me passing him ginger beer.

 

Sudden onset of night after days adrift.

 

And that’s all I want now, all I feel capable of: lying down in a darkened room round the hearth of the laptop, listening:

 

 

 

Reaching for peacefulness, for a car-journey sort of lull across a dark late winter landscape.

 

A small hand clasp.

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Working and blurring

goddess iris

 

This statue is of the Ancient Greek Goddess Iris. Iris was the messenger of the gods, and linked the heavens and the earth – she was also the goddess of the rainbow. I love how the sculptor carved her dress as if rippling in the winds. And how this creation, even after hundreds of years and lacking a head, limbs or wings (she is often depicted as a winged figure), is still elegant and powerful, suggestive of great speeds -

 

And so I’m using the image as motivator. January has been a slow, creeping month in terms of writing. I have been tackling a long essay – which I will talk about more later if and when it is accepted where I hope it will be – and also on Dear Friends and Gentle Hearts. Editing is a painstaking business sometimes. A few hundred words here or there. A handful of pages. Keep going! Keep chipping at it until the text ripples with motion but still has weight. My reading has slowed as I attempt Beckett’s Molloy, which itself requires a patience, as if reading occurs with my head underwater, and I must resurface, catch my breath. Even thinking of its flash-fiction like intensity makes me take big gulps of air.

 

I put great spaces in everything. I take my time, picking over the surface. But I’m happy doing so. Focused, even if frustrated.

 

What are you tackling? What keeps you on a steady keel?

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